T-Shirts & Bumper Stickers

In driving around and perusing various catalogs I have come across many witty comments on t-shirts and bumper stickers.  This page contains a collection of ones that have caught my eye and I will add to it as they come to my attention.  If you have your own favorites click here to email them to me for inclusion on this page.

If you won't stand up for our flag then don't live under it.

I'm on a nut free diet.  I avoid people who drive me nuts.

Viking - It's not an ethnic group, it's a summer hobby.

Some days you just have to put on the hat to remind them who they are dealing with.

I don't hold grudges, I remember facts

To me "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

I may look calm but in my head I've already punched you 5 times.

So when does this "Old enough to know better" kick in?

My people skills are fine.  It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

I run better than the government.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.  The glass is refillable.

Math is simple.  Real life not so much.

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for for me when I need it.

If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

Yes I'm a member of the CSI team - Can't Stand Idiots.

My life can be summed up in one sentence. "Well that didn't go as planned!"

Welfare is not a career choice.

Free Tibet!  Send rifles!

Bad things happen to people who run out of ammunition.

I'm not old.  I just need some WD40

Four out of five voices in m y head say, "EAT THE CHOCOLATE."

Hate speech:  When you disagree with a liberal.

My cat can sleep longer than your cat.

11/08/16  The end of an error.

I'm smiling because you all finally drove me crazy.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid.  But it can muffle the sound.

I may look calm but in my head I've punched you 5 times

Don't grow up. It's a trap.

I'm old. You're ugly. Life's not fair.

Faith honors God. God honors faith

2016-11-08  Nyah!, Nyah!

I can't Adult today.  Please don't make me Adult.

I'm a second hand vegetarian.  Cows eat grass.  I eat cows.

I want you to know that someone out there cares.  Not me, but someone does.

Because F**k You, That's Why!

I thought growing old would take longer.

My password is the last 8 digits of  Pi.

Ban pre-shredded cheese.  Make America Grate Again.

Senior Citizen.  Now accepting all discounts.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid---but it can muffle the sound.

Could it be the purpose of your life is to act as a warning to others?

I tried it at home!

Warning: This shirt contains content that some viewer my find disturbing.

Beer, Brats, and Pretzels. German engineering at its best.

When I was little I had a dinosaur as a pet.

I simply cannot handle the amount of stupidity that is presenting itself to me today.

The only real cure for stupidity is death.

It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.

On a scale from 1 to 10 what is your favorite color of the alphabet?

There are wolves. There are sheep. There are sheepdog. I am a sheepdog.

There you go, looking for reason and rationality!

Yes I'm talking to myself.  Sometimes I need expert advice.

Hope is NOT a plan.

I used to be really pissed off. Now, I am merely amused.

I'll see your Jihad and raise you a Crusade.

Consistency is a virtue, even when it means you're an asshole to the very end.

Well another day has passed and I didn't need Algebra once.

Someone out there cares.  Not me. But someone.

You read my shirt.  That's enough social interaction for today.

Statistics means never having to say you're certain.

Nobody's perfect but I'm damn close/

America--once a country, now a game show.

I don't have a bucket list but I do have a F@%K it list.

I've run completely out of giving a crap.

I'm having one of those days when my middle finger is answering every question.

Ever feel like you're one dumbass away from totally losing it?

We'll be friends till we're old and senile.  Then we'll be new friends.

Oops!  Did I just roll my eyes out loud?

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Some people are like clouds.  Once they disappear its a beautiful day.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older... this crap is not what I expected.

Earbola the nauseous feeling that one feels after listening to a speech by Barack Obama.

The Constitution: frustrating liberals since 1789 

Is it time to light 'em up yet?

Rule 303

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Nerd?  I prefer intellectual badass.

The smartest thing about you is your wisdom teeth.

Every problem has a solution except yours.

In nature there are oddities & you are one of them.

I'd explain it to you but I'm out of puppets and crayons.

I use to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If you are agitated and confused my work here is done.

I consider "on-time" to be when I get there.

I'm not a pessimist.  I'm an optimist with experience.

Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most.

Lysol doesn't kill stupid.

You breed it, you feed it ( front )
I'm a taxpayer. I'm not your baby daddy ( back ) 

There is no such thing as  overkill . There is only open fire and  reload.

"Criminals obey gun laws in the same manner that politicians follow  their oaths of office."

Listen & silent have the same letters.  Coincidence?

The Constitution - I read it for The Articles.

Who is John Galt?

The only thing to fear is fear itself ... and spiders.

With the right tools, I can break anything.

The Library. It's like taking your brain to the gym.

World Cat herding Champion

Stop sniveling!  You voted for the idiot and you got what you wanted.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

Old enough to remember when Pluto was a planet.

Be nice to me or I'll throw you under the buss.  And I'm the driver.

Don't annoy the uncaffeinated person.

It's only weird the first time.

Computers do not damage your thinky thingy/

If you could read my mind you wouldn't be smiling.

I've upped my standards.  NOW UP YOURS!

I am aloof, distant, and judgmental.  I think I may be a cat.

What I really need is Minions.

Irony: The opposite of wrinkly.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Listen and Silence have the same letters. Coincidence?

Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

Yes it's true. I'm not on Facebook.

If you are waiting for a sign, THIS IS IT.

Sarcasm is the mind's defense against stupidity.

Time travel is coming. When is irrelevant.

By reading this you have given me brief control of your mind.

Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

GRAMMAR POLICE: To Correct and Serve.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring so I go back to being me.

Sarcasm. Because beating the crap out of people is illegal.

"It's WE THE PEOPLE", not "me the president."

Friends help you move.  Good friends help you move the bodies.

The first word in Congress is " CON "

Zombies want brains.  YOU'RE safe.

File not found.  Would you like a beer instead?

Try being informed instead of just opinionated.

Penny for your thoughts.  Five bucks if they're dirty.

The King is not amused.

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

Your proctologist called.  He found your head.

What part of MEOW don't you understand.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

My cat makes me happy.  You, not so much.

If it wasn't for airport security I wouldn't have a sex life at all.

I'm sorry.  I don't speak moron.

What I really need are minions.

This is my clone.  I'm actually somewhere else having a better time.

If things get any worse I'll have to ask you to stop helping.

If I can't build it, fix it or mow it it can't be important.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

If the Kitty ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

In dog beers I've had only one.

You have a mind like a steel trap--welded shut.

I use to care but I took a pill for that.

Contrary to popular belief, nobody owes you anything.

I'm already visualizing you with duct tape over your mouth.

I played with dinosaurs as a kid.

No one cares what actors think.

I'm not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.

Yet despite the look on my face you are still talking.

Vegetarian: Ancient tribal slang for someone who can't hunt, fish, or ride.

I'm sorry. Was it my job to fill your life with joy today?

Come to the dark side.  We have cookies.

Welcome to the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies?

Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms.  Whose bringing the chips?

[Picture of Uncle Sam] I want YOU to speak English.

Annoy a liberal.  Use facts and logic.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I'm a not gynecologist--but I'll take a look.

I hear voices and they don't like you.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don't want to see you every day.

Paddle faster. I hear banjos.

I hate it when the voices in my head laugh at me.

While you are out protesting, I've been earning a living.

My attention span is shorter than

(Picture of a highly strung cat) Give me the catnip and no one gets hurt.

My train of thought has left the station.

To much (pie symbol) Gives you a large circumference.

Ambivalent?  Well... yes and no.

When you stop believing in Santa you get underwear for Christmas.

Vegetarianism.  It's a big missed steak

Pretending I'm a pleasant person all day long is exhausting.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Go Green - Recycle Congress!   

Some dress for success.  I dress for recess.

I'm not short.  I'm fun size.

The decline of western civilization leaves me strangely unmoved.

What I really need are minions.

Laughing on the inside.  Pretending to care on the outside.

This is me pretending you are normal.

Patience is a virtue but flipping someone off fells better.

I'm not aging, I'm fermenting.

Careful or you'll end up in my novel.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Just another poo flinging day in the jungle.

If idiots grew on trees this place would be a jungle.

Can't blame Bush now!

I'm sick of political messages-and I approved this message.

Heavily medicated for your safety.

Here I am.  What are your other two wishes?

Some days it isn't worth chewing through the restraints.

I keep on hitting the escape button but I'm still here.

I like small furry animals-with small fries, and a coke.

Some people have skeletons in their closet.  I usually put mine in the trunk.

I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.

Where's MY stinkin' bailout?

National Sarcasm Society-Like we need your support.

I've stopped listening.  Why haven't you stopped talking?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but some people's opinions are shit.

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college

Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume

A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers

If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran

Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has never Solved Anything.

Sure You-Can-Trust-Your-Government-Just-Ask-An-Indian

Veggies are not food. Veggies are what food eats.

Actually, the word is "lysdexic" but everyone says it sideways.

After long and careful consideration I have concluded that reality is overrated.

I'm not losing my hair. I'm gaining face.

I'm not bald. I'm just taller than my hair.

If it's too loud, you're not too old. It's just too loud.

A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy

D.A.D.D. - Dad's Against Daughters dating

CSA flag and the words "If at first you don't secede, try, try again."

Reading:  It's like having a TV in your head.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

[Picture of the capitol building] Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 

When in doubt... Mumble

Be careful or you'll end up in my novel.

Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.

[Computer progress bar] Brilliant idea loading.

Keep calm and carry on.

History Buff:  I'd find you more interesting if you were dead.

I before E except after C.  Weird?

Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out.  I can usually shut them up with a cookie.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

It's not a superiority complex when you really are superior.

Often confused with my evil twin.

I use to think beer was bad for me--so I gave up thinking.

Things haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

Did you eat a bowl of STUPID for breakfast?

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Christian; American; Heterosexual; Pro-gun; Conservative.
Any Questions?

Democracy: Three wolves and a sheep deciding what's for dinner

May you live in interesting times

Cow + fire = steak

I love gardening.  It helps when you need to hide the bodies.

Irony.  The opposite of wrinkly.

Can you hear me MEOW? (With a cat face)

Resistance is not futile.  It's voltage divided by current.

Statistics mean never having to say you're certain.

Old age comes at an inconvenient time.

Since I'm always right it's nice to have somebody on my left.

Be alert!  There is a shortage of LERTs.

The 1% pays for the 99%

Use to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Yes!  You really are stupid.

If you're gonna rattle my cage, you best be sure that the door is locked.

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I'm smiling because you've finally driven me crazy.

Listen, Im a nice person.  So if I'm mean to you, you need to ask yourself why?

If I've said anything to offend you, I meant it.

Expertly trained by my cat.

People say I act like I don't care.  It's not an act!

I'm a ray of sarcastic sunshine every single day.

The voices are back. Awesome!

The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons, and MORONS.

ENGINEER: Solving problems you didn't know you had in ways you can't understand

Of course your opinion matters.  Just not to me.

Sometimes it hurts physically to hold in my sarcastic comments.

I meant to behave but there were too many other options.

Forget the dogs.  Who let the idiots out?

I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

I'm on a nut free diet.  I avoid people who drive me nuts

I'm usually all about love, laugh, love, but these days it's more like aim, fire, reload.

Oops!  Did I just roll my eyes out loud?

Lazy is an ugly word.  I prefer "selective participation."

I finally quit drinking for good.  Now I drink for evil.

Sometimes it hurts physically to hold in my sarcastic comments.

I'd grow my own food if I could find bacon seeds.

I refused to be lectured about gun control by people who think it's ok to kill babies.

If I have said anything that annoyed you, I meant it.

Engineers - Solving problems you didn't know you had in ways you can't understand.

Sorry I'm late.  I just don't want to be here.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely/

I like the sound you make when you shut up.

Need a hug? Too bad.

Casual Observer

Math Emergency Hotline.  Call [(12x)(14i)] - [sin(xy)/2.36x]

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.

I am NOT a control freak but ... can I show you the right way to do that?

Project Manager  Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

NURSE noun /ners.  The first person you see after saying "Watch this!"

I'm a racist.  I won an argument with a liberal.

Youth and agility are no match for old age and treachery.

Every day thousands of innocent plants are killer by vegetarians.  Help end the violence!  Eat bacon!

I'm a Meatatarian

Hilary for prison - 2016

My level of maturity depends on who I'm with.

PHOTOGRAPHER: I shoot people and sometimes chop off their heads.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.  I thought you already knew.

... and then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math."

If I was a bird I know who I'd poop on.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

I am NOT moody.  I just have days when I don't want to deal with your shit.

Stupidity can be inherited but ignorance is voluntary.

I want you to know that someone out there cares for you.  Not me, but someone does.

Be nice to your children - they'll pick your nursing home.

Reality is caused by an alcohol deficiency.

My Meats Ate Real Veggies.

Guns Don't Kill People.  Gaping Holes in Vital Organs Kill People.

Those who can, teach.  Those who can't, pass laws about teaching.

I speak 3 languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms: Should be a convenience store, not a Gov't Agency.

Veni, Vidi, Reliqui - I came. I saw. I left.

Alcohol doesn't solve problems but then again neither does milk.

Liberalism - A mental aberration held by some people that they can solve all the world's problems by spending your money. 

Karma takes way too long.  I'd rather just smack you right now.

25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.  Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.

Walk a day in my head and you'll completely understand.

I'll see your sarcasm and raise you some sass.

You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.

I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect but not for very long.

I only drink water that's been through a brewery first.

Some days my supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

I could be a morning person if morning happened at noon.

If it weren't for double standards, liberals wouldn't have any.

Orwell's "1984" wasn't meant to be an instruction manual.

What if there is no conspiracy and our government really is that stupid.

I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.

Slot the Floppies

I'm hiding in plain sight.

Alcohol:  Because no good story starts with "So this one time I was eating a salad ..."

Contrary to popular belief, no one owes you anything.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats.  For they are cunning and you sleep with your mouth open.

You look like I need a drink.

The cats are in charge.  Accept it!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

UM29 The element of confusion.

I'm so far behind I thought I was first.

If you just did what I told you I wouldn't have to be so bossy.

Keep calm and carry a .308.

I'm the 1% that pays for the 99%. Who are you?"

Welcome to Wyoming, assume everyone is armed!

Trading security for liberty guarantees neither.

If society is normal, I'm glad I'm not.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

Quondo Omni Flunkus Mortati (When all else fails, play dead.)

I love my country but I fear the government.

I'm on the endangered species waiting list.

Overkill is underrated.

Mayor of Crazyville

Official Cat Toy

Carthago delenda est

Lead me not into temptation.  Oh Hell ... just follow me, I know a shortcut.

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

If age has taught me one thing, it's that young people are stupid.

The lemmings are gaining on me.

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself.  If I should return before I get back please ask me to wait.

If things get any worse I'll have to ask you to stop helping.

Please take a moment to appreciate my vast knowledge and experience.

I'm just here to establish an alibi.

Incorrigible.  Please do not incorrige.

Just when I thought I had it all, I forgot where I put it.

Let's eat Grandma
Let's eat, Grandma
Commas save lives

I'd kill for the Nobel Peace Prize.

History buff: I'd find you more interesting if you were dead.

If it moves, it's Biology
If it stinks, it's Chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

If you can't stand the heat don't tickle the dragon.

I have a degree in Philosophy.  Why do you want fries with that.

I'm on the endangered species waiting list.

Barack Obama - The troll under the bridge to American prosperity.

You can't run from death forever... , but you sure can make the dirty SOB work for it.

Don't let your mind wander... it's too little to be out by itself.

Fairness is not giving my money to lazy people.

Stupidity kills, but not nearly enough.

This is not Facebook and I am not your friend.

Half a bubble off.

Drink coffee.  Do stupid things faster with more energy.

On your mark, Get set..., Go away!

If idiots grew on trees this place would be an orchard.

Please take a moment to appreciate my vast knowledge and experience.

Be nice to me or I'll throw you under the bus.  And I'm driving.

My train of thought just derailed.

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me what to do.

Buckle up!  It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

History Buff:  I'd find you more interesting if you were dead.

Don't make me me flip my witch switch.

My train of thought has left the station.

I hope my ship comes in before the dock rots.

[Picture of a pissed of cat] Just give me the catnip and nobody gets hurt.

Who needs hair with a body like this?

I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand.

This is not the life I ordered.

Sorry but my give a dam is busted.

Government is not the solution to our problem.  Government is the problem.

If at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck at it.

And your whinny, crybaby opinion would be...?

I flunked anger management.

I don't have a license to kill.  Just a learner's permit.

I keep pressing the "Escape" [picture of the ESC key] key but I'm still here.

I so busy I don't know if I've found a rope or lost my horse.

Ketchup:  It's like a tomato wine that's good with everything.

Life is like a doughnut.  You're either in the dough or in the hole.

I'd wrap THAT in bacon.

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

If you carrot all, lettuce give whirled peas a chance.

Liberal (Noun)  - Someone so open minded that his brain has fallen out.

The West wasn't won with a salad.

Yes, this is my truck.  No, I won't help you move.

To err is human.  To forgive, divine.  Neither is Marine Corps policy.

I respect your opinion but mine is better.

One Big Ass Mistake America

The world doesn't owe you anything. The world was here first. - Albert Einstein

If you think healthcare is expensive, just wait till its free.

Peace through superior firepower.

I'll keep my guns, freedom, and religion-YOU keep the change.

People Eating Tasty Animals

My other auto is a .45.

Where is TR when we need him?

What's that whirring sound?  Just the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain just to choke on a carrot.

9 of the 10 voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns today.

SEALs -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club

Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!

Interrogators can't water board dead guys.

SEALs -- Travel Agents To Allah

Stop Global Whining

When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine Dead men don't testify.

The Navy Seals -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight

Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back

Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!

What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A little Recoil

Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For Their Country Since 1775

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It

Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon

Seals -- It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting

Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl.

One Shot, Twelve Kills -- US Navy Gun Fire Support

Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?

There are two rules for survival in modern society
1) Never tell everything you know

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?

There are NO sucking chest wounds...ALL chest wounds suck.

When it's all over, you better HOPE you've got some CHANGE left.

Government IS the problem

If you can read this you're in range

Beware the light at the end of the Tunnel, It might be a Train.

"The first step to getting on your feet is to get off your ass!"

It's "We the people," NOT "me the president."


ARIZONA (with AZ flag) Doing the job the Feds won't.

So this Irishman walks out of a bar... No really, it can happen.

I have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are in the right order.

I'll have a Cafe-Mocha Vodka-Vallium Latte to go please.

DILLIGARA [doilooklikeigivearatsass?]

So far this is the oldest I've ever been.

A big chair.  A new book.  An old cat.  The perfect day.

The dog ate my lesson plans.

I am the Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.

Pretending I'm a pleasant person all day is exhausting.

Jericho Survivor

With enough thrust pigs fly just fine.

Over the hill and picking up speed.

After Monday & Tuesday even the calendar says W.T.F.

Still deciding if I should use my super powers for good or evil.

Never send a chipmunk to do a squirrel's job.

Smith & Wesson The original point and click interface.

When all else fails, empty all the magazines, fire all the claymores, and call for air support.

Leadership first out the door and last off the ground.

The 2nd Amendment guarantor of all other Amendments

(Picture of "dear reader") Does this ass make my truck look too big?

Don't sweat the petty things, and whatever you do, DON'T pet the sweaty things.

If you don't think that the Lord has a sense of humor, look around you.

PETA People for the Edible Treatment of Animals

If it doesn't bark or purr, it's food

Today I'm going to master the art of doing nothing.

Facing your fears builds strength.  Running from them makes for a great cardio workout.

Old age comes at an inconvenient time.

Engineering.  Like math but louder.

I'm always late.  My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

God Bless the USA and the farmer who feeds your fat ass.

I AM the celebrity you think I look like.

Relish today.  Ketchup tomorrow.

Writer's Block:  When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

Don't be more stupid than God compels you to be

Yes, I've heard of decaf coffee. What's your point?

Yes, I drink black coffee. You mean there are other colors?

I like my coffee like I like my women hot, strong, and steamy.

If you voted for Obama in '08 to prove you're not a racist, will you vote for someone else in '12 to prove you're not an idiot?

(Picture of a stick on name tag) Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya. Prepare to die

And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts of the earth... except of course for cats.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS: Universe halted.

I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single thing I'm saying.

Grandparenting - The ultimate extreme sport.

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One of these t-shirts or bumper stickers annoys you?  Tough!  Put on your big girl panties and adjust.

Updated 2018-03-28